I want to be black!!! – Vol. 1/1

“Once you go black, you don’t go back.”




With the rise and rise of hip-hop and the perception amongst the young and also some of us who are not so young (the word ‘old’ is now officially banned from this blog) that black American rappers, athletes, dancers, gangsters, hobos, etc. are soooooo ultra cool, I’ve decided to enlighten those of you who endeavour to join this select group of sophisticated and cultured men and women but are too nerdy or too afraid to express yourselves. No, Mario eating a floating magic mushroom and turning into a giant is not cool. Neither is getting a tattoo of a Chinese word when you don’t even speak or read Chinese. For all you know, it might say, ‘this was where my asshole used to be’. Ok, maybe it IS cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese word cos’ all the brothas and sistas are doing it.

Let’s kick start this series with the language.

Ebonics. Can’t find it in the dictionary? Google it!

Since there are those of you who are new to this phenomenon I shall not get too hardcore but as we progress, you’ll be walking and jiving down the Bronx in no time…providing you don’t get killed in a drive-by first.



Scenario: You’re supervising a bunch of early 20-somethings and they think you’re a geek or some sort of prehistoric scum that has evolved into a human being with superior knowledge along with powers that will suck the ‘coolness’ out of them if they come within a 5 metre radius of you.

Modus Operandi: You want to get their respect and their acceptance.

Target has screwed up badly in a report and you want to confront him about it.

Don’t go – Errr, excuse me, can I talk to you about this report?
Go – Yo homie! This report is totally wack man! Get yo’ ass in here!

Don’t go - I think there is a mistake here. Can you please fix it and be more careful next time? The word is ‘canal’. You’ve left out the ‘c’. It’s, ‘going up the canal’ not the ‘anal’.
Go - Da’ fuck dawg?! Stop thinkin’ bout bitches and hos man. You do the same thang again, I’ma jam this stapler up yo’ canal and start staplin’! Ya’ dig?

Don’t go – I am here to guide and help you. If there is anything you don’t understand, please let me know. My door is always open.
Go – ‘Sup nigga’? You know you my nigga’ right? I mean, you and me. We like Crockett & Tubbs right? You know I got yo’ back right? I’m there fo’ you man. I’m there fo’ you.

There. You see how the same message can be conveyed in the cool mannerisms of an American black man? Pretty soon, you’ll be banging hos every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, bitches on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and both on Sundays. This will slowly but surely earn the respect of your peers, especially the younglings.

This community message was brought to you by the words, ‘ho’ and ‘bitch’ (also known as ‘biatch’, but you can only use it when you’ve mastered the cool speak, start levitating and have dexterity points of 9584238 and above). Now go practice it on the ladies...